Team-Building Exercise ft Demonic Dolls
by TakeItAndRun
Summary: Kiran has a terrific (read: horrible) idea for a team-building exercise! What could possibly go wrong? Pairings listed in author's notes.


**AN: Okay, I know I'm supposed to be working on "You Alone Can Make My Song Take Flight," but this has been in my documents for over a month so the least I could do is post it.**

 **Anyway, shipping in FEH is fun because it allows me to blissfully ignore canon! That being said, some pairings (like Ike/Soren) are apparently more canon than others? I haven't played all of the FE games, but I know enough about the games and characters to ship them together, soooooooo *Shrug.***

 **Also, since FFN won't let me tag all the pairings, I'll list them in the author's notes: Raven/Lucius, Sakura/Seliph, Reinhardt/Xander, Rhajat/Katarina, Nino/Takumi, Male Robin/Henry, Ike/Soren, and Ninian/Male Corrin. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Alright, everyone! I'm glad y'all made it to this exercise!" Kiran beamed and clapped her hands. Surveying the room, she took note of all the couples in front of her, which included Lucius and Raven, Sakura and Seliph, Reinhardt and Xander, Rhajat and Katarina, Nino and Takumi, Robin and Henry, Ike and Soren, and Corrin and Ninian. The couples had their own desks shared between the two of them, rather like students doing a lab assignment—and just like real students, they were staring at her with a mixture of boredom, curiosity, and confusion.

It was like she'd never even left college in the first place.

"So, some of you are probably wondering about what's in this crate. Well, I'm so glad you asked!" Bending over, Kiran grabbed something out of said crate and held it up. "Ta-daaaa!"

In her hands was a doll made of cloth. Two black beads were sewn on its face, doubtlessly meant to act as its eyes; below the eyes was a red line stitched in the fabric. For whatever reason, half of the Heroes gathered in the room felt a chill crawl up their spine, while the other half—alright, not _half,_ because it was really only Rhajat and Henry—cackled gleefully.

"Since romance is rapidly blossoming in our ranks, I'd thought it'd be a good idea to do a team-building exercise!" Kiran said cheerfully, oblivious that she held a potential vessel of Satan. "So, with the help of Rhajat, Henry, and… that purple haired guy…"

"Er, you mean Lyon?" Alfonse, who stood alongside Commander Anna, asked.

"Yeah, Leon or something… anyway, they were nice enough to whip up some dolls on short notice and put a hex on them! Nothing too fancy, but if I do this…" Kiran waved a hand over the doll, who answered with a cry that caused the more sensitive Heroes to jump out of their skins. "... It'll react like a real baby! So… your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to treat these dolls like their just normal babies. That includes rocking it, feeding it, burping it, and all that good stuff that makes babies giant pains in the asses. Just give us a minute to hand them out, and you'll soon have your own shit machin—er, little bundles of joy to hold!"

There was a pause before half of the room got up and made a beeline for the door.

"AW, C'OM!"

* * *

After squashing that brief attempt at rebellion, Kiran, Alfonse, and Anna handed out the dolls with little to no problems. Of course, some participants were less willing to play along than others.

"I'm not picking that up."

"Lord Raymond, please don't be difficult."

"I'm _not_ being difficult, Lucius," Raven gestured towards the doll with a scowl that was slightly different from the one he usually wore. "I mean, look at that thing! It looks like it'll steal my soul for some dark magic voodoo ceremony or something!"

Lucius glanced down at the doll, whose beady black eyes stared back at him.

"You're being ridiculous, Lord Raymond." Lucius sighed. "What makes you think Kiran would purposely give you a doll that did something like that?"

"I didn't say _she_ would do it!" Raven argued. Seriously, Lucius was a _monk!_ How could he _not_ sense the demonic energy coming from that thing?! "She said she had the crow freak enchant the dolls, right? He probably put some sort of hex on it while she wasn't looking!"

Lucius sighed again. He tended to do that a lot around Raven. "I will never understand your hatred towards Henry."

"He's a creepy dastard," Raven crossed his arms and shot a glare towards the dark mage. "I want to punch him in the face every time I see him."

"You said that about Oscar, as well."

"He's too _nice!_ Remember that time he made us breakfast? Who _does_ that?!"

"He made breakfast for _everyone."_

"Well, _maybe_ some people have trouble trusting a guy who always has his damn eyes closed! Seriously, how can he even use a _stove_ if he can't see what he's doing?!"

The doll let out a fussy wail.

"Oh, dear," Lucius said, worriedly focusing on the doll. Gently, he picked it up and expertly cradled it in his arms, shooting Raven a reproachful glare. "See, now you've upset him."

"What the—it's not even a real baby!"

Lucius ignored him in favor of comforting the doll. "Shhh, it's alright," He cooed, hoisting it to rest on his shoulder. Baffled, Raven watched Lucius turn his back on him, giving Raven a perfect view of the doll's face. "He doesn't mean it, dear. You're a good baby, yes you are…"

Unbeknownst to Lucius, shadowy tendrils swirled around the doll, bringing it to life with its cursed magic. Raven watched in horror as the doll lifted its head, its eyes glowing crimson as it leveled its gaze at the mercenary.

 _ **We're coming to get you, Raymond…**_ A deep, demonic voice echoed in his mind. The doll's arms jerked up to rest on Lucius's neck, who (somehow) remained blissfully unaware of the danger. _**We'll get you… and your pretty monk, too! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**_

" **RAAAAGH!"** Raven jumped up and ripped the doll out of Lucius's arms. With a strength that rivaled that of an angry dragon, he began to repeatedly slam the doll's head against the desk. **"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEEEEEE!"**

"L-LORD RAYMOND, NO!"

* * *

"Okay, carefully… carefullyyyyyy…." Gingerly, Sakura picked up the doll lying on the desk. Once she had it safely in her arms, she let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding in. "Whew! I did it!"

Seliph returned the goofy grin she gave him and slumped forward, his previous tension leaving his body. "That's great, Sakura! You did really well!"

Sakura giggled as she rocked the baby. "I-I'm so glad you think so! I held babies before, but I always get so nervous!"

"I understand what you're saying," Seliph nodded and scooted his chair closer to his girlfriend. "Babies are extremely fragile. Holding a baby is a huge responsibility, and it's a daunting task to prove your worth in that way."

"I know!" Sakura said, happy that somebody actually understood her plight. "I don't even want to _move_ when I'm holding a baby, because what if I accidentally drop it?"

"Or what if it wets itself and gets everything soaked?"

"Hee hee, yes! O-or what if it starts spitting up?"

"Or what if it's kidnapped by a cult and becomes part of a mass sacrifice for an evil dark god that's possessing your half-sister's brother?"

Sakura blinked at Seliph once. Then twice. Then a third time, but much slower than the first two.

"W-what?" She asked, mildly terrified but mostly confused.

Seliph shrugged. "It happens."

"I-it's not supposed to…"

"Yeah, Grannvale's pretty messed up."

Sakura sweated nervously because really, how else could she respond to that?

* * *

"Your ability to feed an infant is quite admirable, Xander." Reinhardt commented, watching his boyfriend "feed" the doll milk from a bottle. Or, well, he tried to watch—Xander's armor hid most of the doll in a way that'd probably be hazardous to a real-life baby, but that thankfully didn't affect Xander's skilled baby-cradling form.

Xander smiled. "Thank you, Reinhardt. When I was younger, I occasionally fed my little siblings. I suppose I retained some of that knowledge in adulthood." Xander placed the bottle on the desk and held the doll out to Reinhardt. "Would you like to try?"

"Absolutely," Reinhardt said, holding his arms in the proper position and allowing Xander to pass the doll to him. "My experience with holding children is quite limited, I'm afraid. Olwen was really the only one I held, and I was quite young at the time."

"I imagine so." Xander chuckled.

They spent a few seconds gazing at the doll, who happily cooed in Reinhardt's arms. Reinhardt was the one to break the silence.

"So long as we're doing this exercise, we ought to give it a name," Reinhardt said. "Do you have any suggestions?"

All of a sudden, Xander's brain went blank. He stared at Reinhardt dumbly, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.

Oh, no. Names. _Xander's one weakness._

"Xander?" Reinhardt gently prompted. Xander quickly snapped to attention.

"Yes, dear?"

Reinhardt raised an eyebrow in concern. "Are you… quite alright?"

"Me?" Xander laughed nervously. "Of course I'm fine. In fact, I just thought of a wonderful name!"

"Oh, really?" Reinhardt tilted his head. "May I hear it?"

"O-of course. It is… er…" Xander's eyes slid down to Reinhardt's sash and saw the tome securely fastened to it. "Dire…" His eyes then flitted back to Reinhardt. "... hardt. Direhardt."

There was a pause.

"... Direhardt." Reinhardt finally said. "You want to name it… Direhardt."

Xander gulped and nodded. "Er… yes."

There was another pause.

"... On second thought, perhaps I should pick the name."

* * *

"Rhajat?" Katarina's soft voice interrupted Rhajat mid-thought. Rhajat turned towards her girlfriend, who cradled the cursed poppet.

"Yes?" Rhajat asked, somewhat cross. Really, she understood that Katarina didn't have mind-reading powers, but Katarina knew by now that her devious cackles _clearly_ meant that she was in the middle of planning a hex, and thus shouldn't be disturbed.

To Katarina's credit, she didn't shrink back like she used to do in the past. "I-I was wondering if you wanted to hold the baby. I've been holding it for a while, and, well, I don't want you to think I'm hogging it on purpose…"

Truth be told, Rhajat did want to hold the doll. Nevertheless, she knew that was a terrible idea.

"Thanks, but no thanks," She replied, doing her best to sound cold. "Infants and I don't get along."  
"But… it's not a real baby…"

"No, it's not, but for all intents and purposes, it's enchanted to react to external and internal stimuli in the way babies do," Rhajat said. "And children are savvier than we might think. They can sense the vibes a person is giving off… both the good as well as the bad."

Katarina blinked, confused. "So… is that why you don't want to hold it?"

"More or less." Rhajat shrugged. "After all…most children can sense dark, gloomy auras like mine. The danger of dark magic… the urge to create or destroy…" Her lips curved into a grim smile. "Hee hee… it's something most children—no, most _people—_ fear, and rightly so."

Katarina thought for a moment, her head bowed. Finally, she lifted her chin to look at Rhajat in the eyes.

"But I'm not afraid of you." She said simply.

Rhajat blushed and ducked her head, nibbling at her thumbnail. "Yeah. So?"

"So…" Katarina bit her lip. "T-that means it's possible there are _some_ infants who won't be afraid, right?"

… Well. Dammit.

"I suppose so." Rhajat begrudgingly admitted. "And… since it's powered by dark magic, perhaps it won't matter one way or another."

"Right!" Katarina smiled and offered the doll to Rhajat. "S-so… maybe just try it for a little bit?"

Rhajat froze, her thumb still between her lips. After thinking it over, she sighed in defeat. "Oh, why not. Don't say I didn't warn you, though…"

"O-of course!" Katarina beamed and handed the doll over to Rhajat, who held it gingerly. "Now, just put your arm here… and here…"

Rhajat rolled her eyes, but she adjusted her arms into the proper cradling position.

"How does it feel?"

"... Strange."

"Strange in a good way, or strange in a bad way?"

"There's a difference?"

"Um… I think so, yes."

Rhajat sighed and glanced down at the doll, who merely giggled. A small, yet genuine smile spread across Rhajat's face.

"... I guess it's strange in a good way."

* * *

"Aww, look at it, Takumi!" Nino giggled, bouncing the doll up and down. "It's smiling!"

Takumi looked at the doll's face with a raised eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure that's just gas."

"Huh? No, it's not!" Nino made a silly face at the doll, who giggled again. "See, look! It did it again!"

"Uh…" Takumi was pretty sure a baby could have gas multiple times, but if it made Nino happy, he wouldn't argue. "... Sure. Whatever you say."

"Oh, you're no fun." Nino pouted but immediately brightened when the baby cooed. "Aww! It's so cute! I can't wait to have one of my own!"

Takumi did what any mature, leveled-headed adult would do and choked on his own spit. Ow. That burned. "W-w-w-w-what?"

"I can't wait to take care of a baby!" Nino repeated. Her smile faltered. "I-is that bad?"

"What? Huh? Uh…" It took a moment for Takumi to recalibrate. "Um, well… I guess it's not _bad_ , but we're… pretty young. I don't think we're up to that point."

"Oh, okay!" Nino nodded. "That makes sense! Besides, I wasn't thinking of having one _immediately,_ I was thinking of sometime in the future!"

 _Oh, thank the gods._

"Y-yeah…" Takumi smiled back, relieved he'd dodged a metaphorical arrow. "I guess that'd be okay, but…" He hesitated for a second. "Are you sure that you… want me to be the dad? I'm not sure I'd be good at it..."

"What makes you say that?" Nino tilted her head in confusion. "Of course you'd be a good dad!"

She didn't answer the first part, but Takumi wasn't going to point that out. "I suppose it's just that… well, I don't really know what fathers are supposed to _do_ , you know? I don't remember my father that much, so I'd be lost as to what I have to do."

"Oh, that's okay!" Nino chirped, her smile returning full-force. "I dunno how to be a mother, either!"

The frank way she said it almost made Takumi laugh. _Almost,_ because he knew what Nino's mother had been like and she wasn't a laughing matter.

"But ya know what?" Nino continued. "I don't think it matters if I know right now, 'cause when I do have children, I'll want them to be happy no matter what! So, I'll just raise them the best way that I can and teach them everything my mother didn't teach me!"

Despite his lingering doubts, Takumi had to smile. Nino's answer was such a _Nino_ answer—happy, unfailingly optimistic, and confident that no matter what, she'll always be able to do her best. And the best part about Nino's answers? They almost always reassured Takumi that everything would be alright, even if only for a little while.

Still, one thing she said stuck out to him.

"You said 'children,' right? So, does that mean… you want more than one?"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you!" Nino beamed and leaned forward. "I've always dreamed of having twins!"

Takumi choked again, but this time on air. It still burned his lungs.

* * *

"Nyahahaha! Ya know, Kiran said these dolls would be realistic, but I didn't know they'd be _this_ realistic!"

Robin chuckled and shifted the baby in his arms, trying to rid himself of the pins-and-needles sensation in his limbs. "Well, you hexed them to life. I'm not surprised they're acting like normal babies."

Right on cue, the baby started fussing. Robin removed the bottle from its mouth. "Ah, it must be done eating. Do you want to burp it, or should I?"

"Nah, let me do it!" Eagerly, Henry took the doll from Robin and held it up to his shoulder, gently patting the doll's back. "Heave-ho, kiddo! Don't try to be _labor_ this, nyaha!"

It took Robin a second to realize the blasphemy Henry had uttered.

" _Henry,_ " Robin sighed. "What did I say about making puns in front of the baby?"

Henry blinked. Considering how his eyes were closed, it was pretty impressive. "Uh…every time I make a pun, I have to put a coin in the pun jar?"

"Right." Truthfully, Robin didn't _hate_ Henry's puns—several were actually quite amusing—but he wanted to raise his child with good moral values, and something as powerful as puns had to be taught once they were old enough to understand them, which would ideally be around four years old.

… Granted, they probably wouldn't even have the doll for an hour, but hey. It was important to practice good habits early.

"Hmm…" Henry pursed his lips, his hand still patting the doll. After a moment, he resumed his trademark grin. "Well, birdie, I hope this jar has plenty of _womb!_ "

Robin had to laugh at that. "Is that a challenge?"

"Maaaaaaybe." Henry sang, gently bouncing in place. "Geez, this kid takes forever to burp. Guess we gotta call the _infant_ ry _!_ "

Oh, gods, that one was just _terrible._ Naturally, Robin nearly doubled over from his guffawing fit, tears of merriment leaking from his eyes. It took him a bit to calm down enough to address his boyfriend, wanting to make his point absolutely clear.

"Henry, honey," Robin finally said, grinning despite his hoarse voice. "I hope you have plenty of coins."

* * *

"What a good baby, yes you are. Who's a good baby? You are. Coochie-coo." Ike said, his voice as deadpan as ever.

"You certainly have a way with children, Ike." Soren said without any shred of irony. Granted, Soren was about as cuddly as a manakete who woke up at the crack of dawn, so compared to him, Ike was practically a teddy bear.

"Thanks," Ike replied. He glanced down at the baby thoughtfully, who merely stared up at him. "Hey, Soren, I was wondering. Have you ever thought about having kids?"

"Hardly," Soren scoffed. "Neither Askr nor Tellius needs another creature like me around." He gently nudged at Ike's arms. "Reposition yourself a little, Ike. You're supposed to be holding a baby, not a loaf of bread."

Ike allowed Soren to readjust his arms before responding. "If you ask me, Tellius needs to have another person like you."

"Many would beg to differ. Who'd want a Branded child?"

Ike shrugged. "If the baby's yours, then I don't see the problem."

Soren's cheeks turned as red as his eyes. "You're speaking nonsense, Ike. Need I remind you that we're two men? Biologically speaking, it'd be impossible for us to have a child naturally."

"Eh, I see your point," Ike replied. "After all, it's not like there's any way to tell if I have descendants in far-away lands thousands of years into the future. That'd just be ridiculous."

"I'm glad you see it my way, Ike."

In the background, Kiran began to laugh obnoxiously. Both Ike and Soren chose to ignore her.

* * *

"Ninian, why're you biting the baby like that?"

Ninian glanced up at her boyfriend, pausing her nibbling. Corrin grimaced when he noticed the saliva and faint imprints of teeth marks on the doll. _This is gonna be hard to explain to Kiran…_

"I'm grooming it," Ninian responded, a bit perplexed. "It was crying, so I thought it was molting."

"... Molting?" Corrin blinked. "You mean like what birds do?"

His confusion only made Ninian giggle. "Oh! I'm sorry, I forgot you weren't raised as a dragon. Yes, it's somewhat like what birds do, but with scales instead of feathers."

"Really?" Corrin tried to picture his dragon form being preened like that. "Doesn't it hurt to get them bitten off like that?"

"No, of course not." Ninian shook her head, an adorably happy smile on her lips. "It's quite relaxing, actually. It's like getting your hair cut."

"Really?" Corrin wasn't sure that'd be the case with his dragon form—his scales were much smoother then Ninian's were—but he still laughed along. "Huh, I guess I have a lot to learn about being a dragon! Maybe I should try grooming myself later!"

"Hmm…" Ninian thought for a moment. "No, grooming yourself is a bit too difficult for beginners. But… maybe you can practice with this baby first."

"Uhh…" After briefly considering his options, Corrin decided that potentially humiliating himself in front of half the army was vastly preferable to accidentally upsetting Ninian. "Sure! Why not?" He took the doll away from Ninian, proud that he didn't cringe at the amount of drool slicking his hands. "So, I just angle my head like this… and then I do this…"

"Mmmm… no, no, a little more to the left… yes, perfect!"

"Haha, alright! I think I got the hang of it…!"

Unfortunately for Corrin, he sank his teeth a little _too_ deeply into the doll, triggering its "help, I'm being abused" sensor. An ear-splitting wail came out of the baby, which made the two dragons jump.

"Oh gods, what did I do?!"

"I-I don't know! This never happened with Nils!"

"Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods! What kind of monster am I?!"

"I-It's okay, Corrin! I-I can fix this!"

"I'll never have a child for as long as I live! I'll swear an oath of eternal chastity and I'll—NINIAN, WHY'RE YOU LICKING THE BABY?!"

* * *

"Well, I have to hand it to you, Kiran," Anna said, pointedly ignoring the screaming dragons in the corner. "This exercise could've gone a whole lot worse."

"Awww, yessssss. There's that sweet, sweet, validation I needed." Kiran did a happy dance, which mostly consisted of her shuffling her feet and chanting "I am so smart" under her breath. Anna watched her, wondering for the 100th time why she appointed Kiran as head tactician in the first place.

"Er, Commander?" Alfonse asked. "Don't you feel like there's… something we're forgetting?"

Anna furrowed her brow. "Huh. Now that you've mentioned it…"

The double doors swung open. Effie entered the room, munching on a giant turkey leg. The Black Knight trailed behind her quietly, or as quietly as his huge suit of armor allowed him to be (which is not much at all).

"Sorry we're late, Kiran," Effie said, tearing off another bite of turkey. "Got distracted by my post-lunch lunch, and Black Knight stuck around 'cause he wanted to show up with me—"

Ike sprung to his feet and dramatically pointed at the Black Knight, dropping his baby in the process. "BLACK KNIGGGGGGHTTTTT!"

The baby started to wail. Irritated, Soren sighed and shredded it to pieces with a whirlwind he conjured up from his brand-new tome.

" _Son of Gawain…_ " The Black Knight hissed, drawing out his sword. Ike followed suit, brandishing Ragnell threateningly.

"Oh, _shit._ " Kiran, Anna, and Alfonse muttered simultaneously as Ike and the Black Knight lunged towards each other, thus bringing the teamwork-building exercise to an abrupt close.

* * *

"—And then half of us fell into the fountain!" Nino cheerfully told Lucius. Takumi stood behind her, obviously vexed as he toweled off his long hair. "Good thing Reinhardt and Ninian were there to stop the fight, though!"

Lucius chuckled. "Oh, my. It sounds like it was quite the commotion. Thank goodness no one was hurt."

"Yep!" Nino said, nodding.

Takumi squinted at Lucius, as if trying to recall the monk's face. "Hey, weren't you at that baby exercise too? How come you didn't see the fight?"

The smile disappeared from Lucius's face. "Oh, er… I _was_ there, but…well, let's just say my partner and I were removed before the fight broke out."

Lucius made it a point to not address the red-haired man behind him, who was pacing back and forth while grumbling to himself.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just ignore me, why don't you? Not like I just _saved_ you from some demonic puppet-baby thing..."

From behind Raven, there was a sickening _slorp_ sound, a noise much more chilling than the onomatopoeia suggested. With his hair standing on end, Raven turned around to see the doll from earlier standing in the shadows, dark fumes curling in the air like smoke.

 _ **Come play with me, Raymond… come play with me~**_ It sang, a fanged grin slowly making its way onto its face. _**Forever… and ever… and ever…**_

" **DAMN YOU, DOLL!"** Raven dove down and began throttling it, ignoring Lucius's cry of "LORD RAYMOND!" **"STAY AWAY FROM ME, STAY AWAY FROM THIS CASTLE, AND STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE!"**

"W- _wife?!_ Lord Raymond, _come to your senses!"_ Lucius did his best to pry Raven off the doll, with the assistance of a few other Heroes loitering nearby.

None of them noticed a certain purple-haired mage hiding behind a curtain, gleefully overseeing the chaos he had wrought.

"Heh, heh… the Demon King strikes again…"


End file.
